Monday, February 22, 2010

Midnight Runner*

And I said unto ye, "Ye shall know a true Runner by the duct tape upon his thighs. And upon his nipples. Thusly he will not chafe."

Look, if peeling duct tape off your hairy parts is the LESS excruciating option, you are HARDCORE. You also probably like to surf on over to—the Craigslist of running—which boasts one of the worst site designs I've seen in my life and squeezes content tighter than Philip's buttcheeks on OR days.

Running is a passion of Philip's that I do not share. I only like to run if it is either toward a buffet or away from a wasp. And then I dare you to beat my time. I find Philip's passion for running totally fascinating. He enjoys such things as watching races on TV and keeping up with track and field scores of current highschoolers, as well as former rivals. For instance, the other day he saw a former peer's time in a recent Huntsville race (you know, the fundraising kind that I'd walk just for the free t-shirt) and he was not happy. He's been running every day since. I know it's hard for him to watch his body change and his times slow and to be helpless against it because he has traded training his body for training his mind. As an extremist, he's picked training of the sort that requires complete immersion, so that while going from spending an entire day consumed by the speed of the wind, mile times and meal times to spending entire days and nights answering pages, wishing for meal times and seeing how long he can go without taking a pee break are exercises of endurance and skill, I know he really misses the physicality of running.

Very early on in our courting, he asked me if I wanted to go running with him. I knew better and said "no" based on several factors:
1. I hate running
2. I suck at running
3. He ran track in college
4. He *still* holds records in Alabama
5. Most treadmills do not go fast enough for him or start to shake and wobble when he gets going.
6. Doubtless he has used "want to go running with me" on countless other lady prospects and they probably accepted, at which point he would be forced to keep pace with them, thereby growing frustrated at not being able to truly get a good workout and it would end up being a frustrating rather than bonding experience for him. Though he would never, ever, ever reveal that. Yes, that is how well I know him now. But I anticipated it even back then. Sorry girls.

Well, that was quite a digression. Really I just wanted to post that photo of his duct tape. You should see his thighs; there are two permanently discolored spots from the many times he's forgotten to tape up. But damn, he's got some nice legs. The first time my mom ever (re)met him she said "Oh Lord, look at his legs." Like redwoods, I tell you. Sigh.

*Philip has actually run at midnight before. He was running away from me. He left my parent's house and took off toward Monte Sano mountain. He claims I slapped him. I claim he's crazy. We both may or may not have been intoxicated that night. Okay, I might have slapped him. But that would be really, really unlike me. Luckily he was running with his cellphone and I called him and he ran back. The we both passed out. And this is how lasting relationships are built, my friends.


  1. Um. I get the legs chafing thing, but what's up with the nipples?
    And I do admit to noticing the legs--sorry, what can I say? Except they are vewwy strong looking.
    I take credit for the genetic running to the buffet and the learned running from wasps from a terrible childhood experience involving a wasp nest and an old tire in a field. Guess I may have mentioned that and passed it on.

  2. OMG I have a story totally like that too. Minus the duct tape. But seriously - S ran away from me one night. I think he might have claimed I hit him too. Then I told him to stop running, that I was getting in a cab. He did. I did. And we went to my place and passed out. It's love for sure right?! lol

  3. HILARIOUS. This sentence has me laughing out loud: "only like to run if it is either toward a buffet or away from a wasp."

    Do you watch The Office? There's a great episode where they do a race for the cure (for rabies, of all thing) and Andy Bernard's nipples get all chafed and bloody. Sounds disgusting, but pretty funny!