Sunday, January 31, 2010

King is King

Look, do you want to know what the secret is for a happy marriage? It's a king-size bed. We got one as a wedding gift from my parents and things have only gotten better ever since. Here are some issues a king-size bed will solve:

1. Your spouse mouth-breathing in your ear.
2. Predilection for the same sleeping position which consists of a torso half-twist with one bent leg lifted to chest height. Absolutely impossible for two people in a double bed, but quite poetic in a king.
3. Under-the-covers farting. Now I'm so far away that I am no longer have to marinate in my husband's midnight brew—much to his disappointment. And—although we all know girls don't fart—I can now rest assured that if the impossible happens, I have a chance in hell of getting away with it and will not be lambasted and taunted over the event for a full day afterwards.
4. Somehow Philip looks more handsome across a wide swath of covers than he looks when I know his cold, dry clawfoot will potentially brush my leg several times throughout the night. He would agree to the same thing regarding my sadly dessicated feet.

There *are* some things a king-size bed cannot resolve, however:
1. An actual dislike of your spouse
2. Dog farts. They penetrate any forcefield.


  1. This post is hilarious. :-)

    We "only" have a queen... but so far, it has not prevented the mouth breathing issue. My hubby is a cuddler through and through - which I LOVE, don't get me wrong! - but if I dare fall asleep second... well, I have to push him until he rolls over because I CANNOT SLEEP with him breathing down my neck.

  2. Yeap. Looks like I'm going to be asking for a king sized bed for a wedding present...if for nothing else, to avoid the whole mouth breathing thing...

  3. Hahhhah, I am laughing so hard at this, and nodding my head, thinking, "yup," at like every single one.

    Love your blog!